Why Is It So Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship? On the Psychology of the Cycle of Violence Depicted in the Film “Dom dobry”

The film *Dom dobry* (A Good Home), directed by Wojciech Smarzowski, shook Polish audiences, shining a harsh light on the dark, often hidden problem of domestic violence. The story of Gośka and Grzesiek, which turns from a romantic fairy tale into a nightmare, is a tragic but remarkably accurate portrayal of the mechanism that traps victims in toxic relationships. What at first seems like a perfect relationship eventually reveals its true, terrifying face, fitting into the cycle of violence well-defined by psychologists.

Domestic violence rarely begins with physical blows. It is a process that escalates gradually, trapping the victim in a web of manipulation, fear, and false hope. Understanding this cycle is crucial to identifying the danger, responding, and, most importantly, seeking help. This is not a “private matter,” as the abuser would have you believe, but a serious social problem, as confirmed by devastating statistics. According to data from the European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights, one in three women in the EU has experienced some form of physical or sexual violence [1]. These are millions of personal tragedies that unfold behind closed doors in homes that were supposed to be a safe haven.

Three Acts of a Drama: A Cycle of Violence According to Lenore Walker

American psychologist Dr. Lenore E. Walker, after conducting research with hundreds of women who had experienced violence, described a recurring pattern that she called the “cycle of abuse.” It consists of three consecutive phases that, over time, become increasingly shorter and more intense. It is this cycle that explains why it is so difficult for victims to leave their abusers.

Phase 1: Voltage Rise Phase

This is the beginning of every cycle. The abuser becomes increasingly irritable, annoyed, and critical. Every little thing—a supposedly poorly cleaned apartment, soup that isn’t seasoned right, being late—can become a pretext for a fight. The tension at home is almost palpable. The abuser may start drinking more or using other substances, which further intensifies his aggression. He belittles his partner, criticizes her appearance, intelligence, and parenting skills, and isolates her from family and friends. The goal is to undermine her self-esteem and take complete control.

At this stage, the victim walks on eggshells. They try at all costs to calm their partner down, fulfill their every whim, and anticipate their needs. They live in constant fear, wondering what else they can do to avoid an outburst. This constant stress can lead to psychosomatic symptoms: headaches and stomachaches, insomnia, and loss of appetite. Sometimes, unable to bear the tension any longer, “the victim provokes an argument” just to get it over with.

Phase 2: Phase of Acute, Violent Violence

The tension that built up during the first phase finds its outlet in an act of violence. This can be physical violence (hitting, shoving, choking), sexual violence (rape), or psychological violence—a fit of rage, destruction of property, or death threats. The outburst is disproportionate to the cause that triggered it. The perpetrator loses control, venting all of their frustration and anger. For the victim, this is a moment of absolute terror and helplessness. No matter what the victim does—whether they defend themselves, beg for mercy, or passively submit—the perpetrator’s aggression escalates.

After the attack, the victim is in shock. They feel pain, fear, humiliation, and shame. They often hide their bruises and injuries, afraid of being judged by those around them and not believing that anyone could help them. This is the moment when the decision to seek help or escape is most often made, but unfortunately, immediately afterward comes another phase that undermines that decision.

Phase 3: The Honeymoon Phase

After an outburst of aggression, the perpetrator suddenly changes his behavior. He realizes he has gone too far and might lose his partner. He begins to show remorse, apologizes, cries, and promises to change. He becomes once again the tender, caring man he was at the beginning of the relationship. He brings flowers, buys gifts, and assures her of his love. He attributes his behavior to stress at work, alcohol, or a difficult childhood—rationalizing the violence and shifting the blame away from himself.

This is the most insidious phase of the cycle. The victim, longing for a return to the “good old days,” begins to believe his promises. She wants to believe that this was the last time, that he will truly change. The “honeymoon” phase gives her hope and strengthens her bond with the abuser. It is precisely these brief periods of “normality” and tenderness that keep women stuck in abusive relationships for years, forgiving one act of aggression after another in anticipation of the “honeymoon” returning. Unfortunately, this is merely the calm before the next storm. After some time, the tension begins to build again, and the cycle repeats itself, usually with even greater intensity.

"A Good Home" – A Cinematic Portrayal of Hell

Smarzowski’s film is almost a textbook illustration of the cycle of violence. Gośka and Grzesiek’s relationship begins like a dream. He is a charming, caring politician who wins her heart with romantic gestures. It’s the perfect honeymoon phase, one that lulls her into a false sense of security. However, the first signs of friction appear very quickly—control, jealousy, criticism. This is the phase of mounting tension, in which Grzesiek gradually tightens the noose around Gośka.

The first act of physical violence comes as a shock, immediately followed by remorse and an apology. Grzesiek promises to change, and Gośka—in love and full of hope—forgives him. The cycle closes and begins anew. With each successive instance, the honeymoon phase grows shorter, and the acts of violence become increasingly brutal. The film perfectly illustrates how the abuser manipulates those around him, projecting the image of a decent citizen and loving husband, while a tragedy unfolds at home. Gośka becomes increasingly isolated and terrified, and her attempts to seek help are met with disbelief or indifference.

Numbers That Scream

Although “Dom dobry” is a work of fiction, the screenplay was based on consultations with aid organizations and real-life stories. The scale of the problem in Poland and around the world is reflected in official statistics, which, according to experts, are still significantly underestimated because many victims never report the violence.

These numbers are terrifying. They show that gender-based violence is a global pandemic. Behind each of these numbers lies a human tragedy, a life destroyed, and trauma that lasts for years.

The Trap of Hope: Why Is It So Hard to Let Go?

The cycle of violence—and especially the “honeymoon” phase—is a powerful mechanism of addiction. The victim does not love the violence, but rather the man the abuser becomes during these brief periods of calm. It is precisely the hope that he will return that keeps her trapped. Other factors also come into play:

• Fear: Fear of an escalation of violence, threats, and retaliation against children.
• Shame and guilt: Telling herself that she deserved the punishment, that it was her fault.
• Isolation: Broken ties with family and friends; lack of support.
• Economic dependence: Lack of means to support oneself and lack of housing.
• Children: The desire to keep the family together, threats of losing parental rights.

Breaking the cycle of violence requires tremendous strength and outside support. It is crucial to realize that the abuser will not change, and that promises are merely a form of manipulation. It is essential to overcome shame and seek help—at crisis intervention centers, from the police, from a therapist, or from nonprofit organizations such as“Niebieska Linia”(24-hour helpline: 800 12 00 02).

The film “A Good Home” doesn’t offer a single answer. Instead, it presents alternative endings, highlighting just how different the fates of women experiencing violence can be. Each of these paths carries different consequences, but all serve as a reminder of how difficult it is to break free from violence and regain control of one’s own life. For thousands of women in Poland, this decision remains a daily challenge. The most important thing is to take that first step—to say “enough” and to understand that a home that was supposed to be a safe haven cannot be a place of fear and suffering.

Violence knows no gender boundaries

Although statistics clearly show that women constitute the overwhelming majority of domestic violence victims—55.6% of all victims in 2025—it is important not to forget that intimate partner violence knows no gender boundaries [2]. Men also experience physical, psychological, and sexual violence at the hands of their partners. In Poland, men account for 12.4% of domestic violence victims, and minors account for 32.0% [2]. Although the numbers are smaller, the suffering is just as real.

It is equally important to look at the perpetrators of violence. Although men make up the vast majority of perpetrators (86.1%), women also commit violence—in 2025, they accounted for 13.9% of all individuals suspected of domestic violence [2]. Violence committed by women often takes a different form—it may be more psychological, manipulative, or exploitative of emotional dependence. Men who experience violence often face even greater stigma and are even more reluctant to report it, fearing a lack of understanding or ridicule.

Domestic violence is a universal problem—it does not discriminate based on gender, age, social status, or education. Every victim, regardless of gender, deserves support, understanding, and help. Understanding the cycle of violence and its mechanisms should be accessible to anyone who may find themselves in a toxic relationship. Breaking the silence and seeking help is an act of courage, whether you are a woman or a man.

Bibliography

[1] European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights (2024). Violence against women: an EU-wide survey. https://fra.europa.eu/sites/default/files/fra_uploads/pr-2024-eu-gender-based-violence-survey_pl.pdf

[2] Police (2025). Domestic Violence Statistics. https://statystyka.policja.pl/st/wybrane-statystyki/przemoc-domowa

[3] Polskie Radio 1 (2025). Women as Victims of Domestic Violence. Expert: They Don’t Leave Because They Often Have Nowhere to Go. https://jedynka.polskieradio.pl/artykul/3604863,Kobiety-ofiarami-przemocy-domowej-Ekspertka-nie-odchodz%C4%85-bo-cz%C4%99sto-nie-maj%C4%85-dok%C4%85d

[4] DW (2024). UN: Up to 70 percent of women experience violence. https://www.dw.com/pl/onz-nawet-70-proc-kobiet-do%C5%9Bwiadcza-przemocy/a-70873017

[5] Blue Line. Cycles of Violence. https://www.niebieskalinia.pl/o-zjawisku-przemocy/cykle-przemocy