Grief is a journey, not a series of stages. How do we really cope with loss? 

Grief is an integral part of the human experience, accompanying us in the face of loss—whether of a loved one, health, a job, or lost dreams. Over the years, psychology has sought a framework to help understand and make sense of this often chaotic emotional process. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s classic five-stage model played a key role in recognizing and naming this suffering, giving many people a sense that their reactions were understandable. However, contemporary thanatology, thanks to the work of researchers such as Kenneth J. Doka, George Bonanno, and Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, offers a much more flexible and empathetic perspective on grief. Today we know that it is not a linear path with clearly defined stops, but a highly individualized journey. It is not about “healing” or “closing the door” on the past, but about adapting to a changed reality and finding a new way to maintain the bond.

The purpose of this article is to present the evolution of our understanding of grief—from historical concepts to the latest findings, which highlight its unique nature and potential for personal growth. We will examine why rigidly adhering to “stages” can be misleading, how modern science views the grieving process, and how we can find our own path through this difficult yet inevitable journey.

From Stages to Dynamics: Why Grief Isn't a Set of Steps

The five-stage model of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, was a milestone in the psychology of loss. It made it possible to name and validate the intense emotions that accompany the experience of dying and grieving. For many people, it has become a point of reference, giving them a sense that their suffering is understood.

However, as Kenneth J. Doka notes, this model originally referred to the reactions of dying people to their own illness, rather than to a universal pattern of grieving the loss of a loved one. Over time, in the popular imagination, this model has been simplified and interpreted as a rigid, sequential path that every mourner must follow. This simplification has led to the emergence of several harmful myths:

• The Myth of Linearity: The belief that the grieving process proceeds from one stage to the next, and that returning to earlier emotions is a sign of “failure” or “abnormal” grieving.
• The Myth of “Normal” Time: The expectation that mourning should end after a certain period of time, followed by a “return to normalcy.”
• The " closure" myth: The mistaken belief that the purpose of mourning is to completely cut oneself off from the past and forget the deceased.

Contemporary research, including Doki’s work, emphasizes that the actual experience of grief is far more individualized, often chaotic, and less predictable. Grief is not an illness to be cured, but a lifelong process of adaptation. Emotions such as denial, anger, or sadness are natural reactions, but they do not necessarily occur in a specific order—or at all. They may come in waves, resurface years later, and their intensity and form are unique to each individual.

Grief as a Dynamic Adaptation: Modern Models

The contemporary approach to grief, based on the work of Doka and other researchers, moves away from the concept of stages in favor of more dynamic and flexible models. The key principles are:

The Individual Nature of Experience and Styles of Grief

Every person experiences loss in their own unique way. Grief reactions are influenced by countless factors: the nature of the relationship with the deceased, the circumstances of the death, previous experiences with loss, the social support system, culture, religion, gender, age, and even the mourner’s personality. There is no single “right” way to grieve, and comparing one’s experience to that of others can lead to feelings of guilt and isolation.

He distinguishes between two main styles of grieving: intuitive and instrumental.

• Intuitive grief is characterized by an intense, open expression of emotions, a need to verbalize feelings, and a search for emotional support.
• Instrumental grief focuses on taking action, solving problems, and engaging in activities. People with this style may not display such intense emotions outwardly, which is sometimes misinterpreted as a lack of suffering. For them, relief comes from a sense of control and productivity.

Understanding these styles is key to avoiding judgment and validating the diverse ways people grieve. Both styles are healthy and adaptive ways of coping.

Maintaining the Bond

Instead of seeking to “close the chapter” and sever ties with the deceased, the modern approach emphasizes the importance of “continuing bonds.” This means that the relationship with the person who has passed away does not end with death, but evolves. Mourners learn to integrate the memory of the deceased into their present lives, finding new ways to sustain that bond—through memories, rituals, legacy, and even a sense of presence. This allows them to keep the deceased in their lives in a healthy and adaptive way.

Dual-Process Model

Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut proposed the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement, which perfectly complements Doki’s concepts. This model suggests that mourners oscillate between two types of coping:

• Loss orientation: Focusing on the pain of loss, expressing emotions, dwelling on the past, and searching for meaning.
• Restoration-orientation: A focus on adapting to life without the deceased, coping with new challenges, developing new roles, and forming new relationships.

A healthy grieving process involves moving flexibly between these two states. Staying in one of them for too long can lead to complications. This back-and-forth is natural and allows for the gradual integration of the loss into one’s life.

Mourning Rituals

William Worden proposed a model of four tasks of grief that a bereaved person must complete in order to adapt to life after a loss. These are not stages, but active tasks that can be carried out in various orders and repeated:

• Accepting the reality of the loss: Recognizing that the person has died and will not return.
• Coping with the Pain of Grief: Allowing Yourself to Feel All the Emotions Associated with Loss.
• Adjusting to a world without the deceased: Learning to function in a new reality, taking on new roles, and developing new skills.
• Finding a lasting connection with the deceased in the context of a new life: Transferring emotional energy from the deceased to other relationships and activities, while preserving the memory of the deceased.

Resilience and Growth After Loss: The Potential for Transformation

One of the most important aspects of the modern approach to grief is the recognition of psychological resilience and post-traumatic growth (PTG). George Bonanno’s research shows that many people demonstrate a remarkable ability to adapt after a loss and even to experience positive changes and personal growth.

Resilience in grief does not mean the absence of pain or sadness. It means the ability to function despite suffering, to draw on internal and external resources that enable one to get through a difficult time. Resilient individuals are often characterized by cognitive flexibility, optimism, active coping, the ability to draw on social support, and finding meaning in faith or a life philosophy.

Post-traumatic growth is a phenomenon in which, after experiencing a profound loss, people report positive changes in their lives, such as:

• A greater appreciation for life and a shift in priorities.
• Deeper relationships with others.
• A sense of personal strength and the discovery of previously unknown resources within oneself.
• A Change in Life Path and New Directions for Growth.
• Spiritual growth and a deeper understanding of the meaning of life.

Kenneth J. Doka emphasizes that grief “is not merely about coping with loss. It inherently holds the potential for growth, even if we don’t always recognize it.” This perspective offers hope and shows that, while loss is painful, it can also be a catalyst for profound transformation.

Practical Tips for Navigating the Grief Process

Since grief is such a personal journey, how can we find our way through it? Here are a few practical tips inspired by a modern approach:

• Embrace your uniqueness: Allow yourself to grieve in your own way. There is no “right” or “wrong” way. Your reactions are important and valid.
• Acknowledge your emotions: All emotions are valid—sadness, anger, fear, and even relief or pride. Don’t judge them; instead, try to understand them. If you feel relief after a loved one’s long illness, it’s a natural reaction to the end of their suffering—and yours as well.
• Keep the connection alive: Find healthy ways to keep the memory of the deceased alive. Talk about them, look at photos, carry on their passions, and get involved in activities that were important to them. This doesn’t mean you’re “not moving on,” but rather that you’re integrating the loss into your life.
• Alternate between grief and recovery: Allow yourself moments of intense mourning, but also consciously engage in activities that help you adapt to your new reality. Strive for a balance between reflecting on the past and building a future.
• Work through the stages of grief: Actively work on accepting the loss, processing the pain, adjusting to life without the deceased, and finding a new place for the deceased in your life.
• Seek support: You don’t have to go through this alone. Talk to your loved ones, join a support group, and if you feel that your suffering is overwhelming or long-lasting, don’t hesitate to seek professional psychological help. Remember that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
• Remember resilience: Know that you have the inner resources to survive and adapt. Look for small victories, appreciate your progress, and believe in your potential for growth, even in the face of the greatest loss.

Summary

Grief is not an illness to be cured, nor is it a problem to be solved. It is a deeply personal journey that transforms our lives. Moving away from rigid stage models toward an individualized approach—including the concept of continuing bonds, the dual-process model, the tasks of grief, and the recognition of the potential for resilience and growth after trauma—allows us to view loss with greater empathy and hope. We are not alone on this journey, and understanding its complexity allows us to find our own path and integrate loss into the richness of our lives.